People Watching

The other day my friend and I had just ordered lunch at the local deli, but because it was peak lunch time we knew we had a wait in front of us.

We hadn't been there five minutes when I noticed a man about 6’4 with sunglasses walk in. You couldn’t help but notice this guy because not only was his size awkward, but he was also dressed head to toe in gray sweats (take a moment to let that sink in). A 45-50 year old man dressed head to toe in gray fucking sweats. I mean he looked like the biggest slob you have ever seen. He was unshaven, had a gut, hair a mess, and the best part was that he didn't give two fucks what anyone else thought. Some people aren't bothered by a person like this because they think his laziness is funny. However, he bothered me immensely, and I just had a feeling that this slob was going to do something ridiculous. 

When it came time for him to pay for his lunch there were 5-8 people lined up behind him. The cashier told him it was $8.58. The man nodded and with his right hand dug as deep as he could into his sweatpant pocket. He pulled out a fistful of change and then went back into his pocket, and back, and back, and back until the entire checkout counter was covered in change. 

My mouth dropped, as I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This asshole just dumped all his change onto the counter and was counting it with the cashier. Quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies were being placed into piles. The people in line were stunned as well. The man actually looked back at one point and put his hands up like ‘sorry what else was I going to do?’

My food came, but I couldn’t touch it. This slob was wasting everyone’s time and it didn’t bother him a bit. All I could do was pray that a John Goodman ‘Walter Sobchak’ type character was in line ready to yell while pulling out a .45 caliber pistol, “There are rules to checkout. Does anyone give a fuck about the rules? Am I the only one who gives a fuck around here about the rules? Pay with a credit card! Pay with a credit card! Do you think I’m fucking around here? Pay with a credit card!” 

No such luck.  

Finally, after all the piles were made and counted the cashier realized the man was 50 cents short. You got to be fucking kidding me. By now, everyone was watching this miserable mutant and letting out a collective sigh, wishing they could drop a collective ‘FUCK YOU!!’ This didn’t bother him though. He smiled and took out a TEN from his wallet and paid.

The anger sharks were swimming in my brain.

After paying the remainder WITH A FUCKING TEN, ‘tons of fun’ collected his change, put it back into his oversized gray sweats and casually walked out of the store. For a second I thought we were all on MTV’s boiling points or being punked by Ashton Kutcher, but there were no celebrities and no one was popping out to say ‘we got you’.  It was real. This man exists and is walking the streets ready to torment people just like you and me.  

--John