People Watching

2008-02-21T12:24:00.001-08:00

The other day my friend and I had just ordered lunch at the local deli, but because it was peak lunch time we knew we had a wait in front of us.

We hadn't been there five minutes when I noticed a man about 6’4 with sunglasses walk in. You couldn’t help but notice this guy because not only was his size awkward, but he was also dressed head to toe in gray sweats (take a moment to let that sink in). A 45-50 year old man dressed head to toe in gray fucking sweats. I mean he looked like the biggest slob you have ever seen. He was unshaven, had a gut, hair a mess, and the best part was that he didn't give two fucks what anyone else thought. Some people aren't bothered by a person like this because they think his laziness is funny. However, he bothered me immensely, and I just had a feeling that this slob was going to do something ridiculous.

When it came time for him to pay for his lunch there were 5-8 people lined up behind him. The cashier told him it was $8.58. The man nodded and with his right hand dug as deep as he could into his sweatpant pocket. He pulled out a fistful of change and then went back into his pocket, and back, and back, and back until the entire checkout counter was covered in change.

My mouth dropped, as I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. This asshole just dumped all his change onto the counter and was counting it with the cashier. Quarters, dimes, nickels, and pennies were being placed into piles. The people in line were stunned as well. The man actually looked back at one point and put his hands up like ‘sorry what else was I going to do?’

My food came, but I couldn’t touch it. This slob was wasting everyone’s time and it didn’t bother him a bit. All I could do was pray that a John Goodman ‘Walter Sobchak’ type character was in line ready to yell while pulling out a .45 caliber pistol, “There are rules to checkout. Does anyone give a fuck about the rules? Am I the only one who gives a fuck around here about the rules? Pay with a credit card! Pay with a credit card! Do you think I’m fucking around here? Pay with a credit card!”

No such luck.

Finally, after all the piles were made and counted the cashier realized the man was 50 cents short. You got to be fucking kidding me. By now, everyone was watching this miserable mutant and letting out a collective sigh, wishing they could drop a collective ‘FUCK YOU!!’ This didn’t bother him though. He smiled and took out a TEN from his wallet and paid.

The anger sharks were swimming in my brain.

After paying the remainder WITH A FUCKING TEN, ‘tons of fun’ collected his change, put it back into his oversized gray sweats and casually walked out of the store. For a second I thought we were all on MTV’s boiling points or being punked by Ashton Kutcher, but there were no celebrities and no one was popping out to say ‘we got you’. It was real. This man exists and is walking the streets ready to torment people just like you and me.

--John

Super Bowl XLII: A Day That Changed History

2008-02-20T15:18:00.000-08:00

The past few years have been very hard for New York fans. While attending college in Massachusetts I was witness to two Patriots championships, a Red Sox World Series and a never-ending sound in my head of that horrible drunk New England accent screaming we are champions.

This past fall the Red Sox won again, the Patriots were unstoppable and the fuckin Celtics went from the joke of the league to arguably the best.

On the flip side the Yankees lost again in the first round, the Giants were at best an above average NFL squad, and the only highlight of the Knicks’ season was the ridiculous quotes regarding Marbury’s sexual encounter that came to light during Isiah Thomas’ harassment case. Marbury: "Yes, I called her a bitch…I said a lot of different things...I may have said f-- her. I didn't call her a black bitch…” Mabury never admitted to having sex with the intern but did say “We got together right across the street." Genius. The intern’s only comment on the situation was "I wasn't drunk, I was in control…He asked me, am I going to get into the truck, and I got in." Besides that, the season has been a nightmare. In any case it wasn’t looking so great and Boston fans loved it.

Fast forward to Sunday, February 3, Super Bowl XLII. In a day that started with me working at 9:30 AM behind the bar I was nervous to be a part of history win or lose. People were already starting to pile in and the fuckin accent was beginning to pervade the room and thus torturing my brain. (I forgot to mention I bartend in Venice, CA where Boston fans outnumber any other fan from any other city, including Los Angeles, 2 to 1. Don’t ask me how, the mother fuckers are everywhere. I move across the country and they still show up screaming and looking to fight or argue.)

Anyway it was around 10:30 AM and I had already used my right to refuse service to anyone. Some chick was wearing a Brady jersey, screaming every time Fox showed a Patriots highlight. When I asked why she was a Patriots fan she shrugged and said because she thought Tom was hot. Well that was wrong answer and I told the bouncer she was acting in vulgar ways and needed to be escorted out. SEE YA HONEY!! It’s great when a bouncer loves his job and looks for any excuse to exercise his power.

At 11 my buddy, and die hard Giants fan, texted me to see how I was feeling. When I responded that I was nervous an almost instantaneous response came from him to “drink heavily”. I cracked my first beer at 11:02.

As game time approached my manager saw that my back was completely turned to any customer as I was fixated on the 40 inch flat screen. He cut me 20 minutes before kickoff. Asshole should have never scheduled me.

Game time. I stayed at the bar where I work because I was given free drinks. (I’d have watched the game in Quito, Ecuador with Matsui if I was going to get free drinks there. Free drinks are free drinks).

The place was packed and I was 12 deep by kickoff. I found my spot and made sure there weren’t any Patriots fans near me. A few of my buddies joined me who aren’t Giants fans but love to drink whenever there is an excuse. Great atmosphere.

Throughout the game there were a lot of ups and downs. The Giants were outplaying the Patriots but were just coming up short on every major drive. I nearly lost my mind on Eli’s first interception. Some guy bumped into me as the play happened and I spilled my beer. I swear to god if he was a Patriot’s fan I would have dropped him like Lou Gossett Jr. dropped Richard Gere in An Officer and a Gentlemen.

I was very drunk at this point and I’ll spare you the details, but I was gorging my face like a kid on MTV’s True Life: I’m at Fat Camp. I was disgusting even myself, but it felt so right. The food just kept coming and I couldn’t stop. I think my friends had a side bet of how much I could eat by the time the game ended because I don’t remember ordering a single thing. (I suffered severely the next day.)

Halftime was awesome. I think I sang every song Petty performed. In fact everyone at the bar was singing.

The 3^rd quarter is kind of a blur but I do remember it being a battle and the Giants continuing to outplay the Pats. There were tequila shots being thrown around at this point and that is never a good thing. I tend to get a little out of control when I start ripping tequila.

After Moss caught his TD pass in the 4^th quarter to put the Pats up I seriously thought of taking a bottle to my face. I thought this was the end and that we will be remembered as the team who lost to the undefeated Patriots. I could hear the accent emanating through the crowd. Girls were screaming, guys were drooling and it seemed an impossible hill for Eli and the Giants to climb.

As the Giants took the field to stage one of the greatest 4^thquarter drives in NFL history I was pacing around the bar praying for a miracle. I was doubling fisting two Miller Lites and yelling at anyone who was not a Giants fan. At one point I caught my manager staring at me just shaking his head.

Let the miracle begin!!

4^th and 1. Jacobs gets the first down. Still alive.

Giants are struggling but are somehow moving the ball. Two more plays. Not much and time keeps ticking.

3^rd and 5 from the Giants 44 yard line. Eli drops back and sees no one. Scrambles and is almost sacked not once, not twice, but three times. He then throws the ball, it seems blindly, to David Tyree, the least likely of Giants receivers, who is covered by the heart and soul of the Patriots secondary Rodney Harrison. You have to understand that in my state of mind everything was in slow motion so I thought it was over.

Tyree catches the ball!! Tyree caught the fuckin ball?? How the hell did he catch that ball?? What just happened?? Am I dreaming?? Has the booze finally consumed the last available space in my brain?? When it hit me I went nuts and was throwing myself all over everyone.

With :35 seconds left Eli dropped back for the last time in the 2008 NFL season. In the back left corner of the end zone Plaxico Burress caught the greatest touchdown in Super Bowl history that sealed the Giants heroic and improbable run through the playoffs making them NFL champions.

Pandemonium!!! I was immediately up on the tables kicking over bottles, spraying people with beer, screaming at the top of my lungs, and then stage diving into everyone. I was grabbing people, hugging anyone, licking girls faces, ripping shots, and then sat down to take it all in. It was a feeling I can’t describe. I sat there and wept.

Don’t remember the rest of the night, but given my track record, I’m sure it was epic!

There is a lot that I will always remember and forget from the greatest day in sports history but I will never forget the faces of those Patriot fans who saw their perfect season ripped away and the inevitable realization that Boston sucks in every aspect of life.

--John

Blue Collar Dreams- John

People Watching

Super Bowl XLII: A Day That Changed History